Group dynamics are a reflection of their leader. Whether it’s a team, a classroom, or an online program, the tone and culture are set by the person facilitating the group. For better or worse, the leader’s own relationship patterns and communication style ripple outward, shaping how the group interacts, learns, and grows—or struggles.

I know this because I’ve been on both sides of it.

In my early years of teaching and leading groups, I unconsciously repeated some of the very patterns I now teach others to avoid. My desire to support often tipped into over-responsibility, and I didn’t always attune to the unique needs of the people I was guiding. I believed if I just worked hard enough, I could rescue them from their struggles—but that approach often left me feeling burned out and them feeling disempowered.

This insight didn’t come overnight. It came through the hard lessons of being both a leader and a participant in groups where subtle but toxic dynamics played out.

Recently, I joined a course that brought these lessons into sharp focus. At first, I was curious about the topic—but as the group progressed, something felt off.

The leader’s intentions were good, but the dynamics they were modelling subtly perpetuated fear, obligation, and guilt (what’s often called FOG). They seemed to carry an unspoken belief that the more they sacrificed for the group, the more the group should comply. While this may have come from a place of wanting to support, it created a subtle martyr dynamic: “Look at everything I’ve put on for you.”

Instead of fostering healthy autonomy, the space leaned toward codependency. Participants began oversharing without clear boundaries, speaking from their emotional wounds rather than reflecting on them. This isn’t surprising when the group leader isn’t modelling what healthy boundaries and empowered sharing look like.

I recognized the dynamic because I’d lived it—not just as a participant, but also as a group leader in the past.

When the leader of a group unconsciously relies on fear, obligation, or guilt to engage their group members, the result is often one of two extremes:

- Enmeshment and over-dependence - participants feel pressured to over-deliver or please the leader, sacrificing their own boundaries.

- Disengagement and avoidance - others pull away entirely, sensing the pressure but unsure how to address it.

Neither extreme allows for vibrant, collaborative learning. Instead, the group becomes a reflection of the leader’s unresolved patterns, cycling through control, frustration, or emotional intensity.

I’ve had to work hard to shift these patterns in my own group leadership journey. It starts with self-awareness—recognizing when old habits creep in and taking responsibility for how they might affect the group. From there, it’s about practising a healthier way:

1. Attuning to the group: Listening deeply to participants’ needs, without assuming a one-size-fits-all path.

2. Modelling healthy boundaries: Leading by example, showing that clear communication and reflective sharing are more powerful than raw emotional projection.

3. Fostering autonomy: Empowering participants to trust their own paths, rather than relying on the leader for answers.

4. Actively seeking feedback: defensiveness can erode trust and damage group dynamics, but being open to feedback - both positive and constructive - helps everyone in the group trust that their voice is heard and valued.

These shifts don’t just benefit the group—they benefit the group leader, too. Healthy group leadership is lighter, freer, and far more fulfilling than carrying the weight of everyone else’s success on your shoulders.

If you’re leading a group—or thinking of starting one—take a moment to reflect:

How are your own relationship patterns shaping the group dynamics?

Are you modelling healthy boundaries, or slipping into rescuing or martyrdom?

How can you encourage autonomy while fostering connection?

How open are you to feedback? Are you actively asking for it from the group?